


Help

by RonaldRx



Category: Doctor Sleep (2019)
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks (Mentioned), Intrusive Thoughts, Other, Reader has bpd, Self-Harm, gender neutral reader, reader experiences a bpd episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27673292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonaldRx/pseuds/RonaldRx
Summary: You experience a BPD episode and Dan helps you through the rest of it.
Relationships: Dan "Danny" Torrance/Reader, Dan "Danny" Torrance/You
Kudos: 5





	Help

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> I wrote this as a vent fic and decided to post it (just like all my other x reader fics, it's been posted on my Tumblr: RonaldRx, requests are always open!) and yee.   
> Maybe some of you will enjoy it, idk.
> 
> TW // Self-Harm: Scratching, pulling on hair, punching oneself. ALSO TW // short mention of alcoholism/alcoholic character almost having a relapse
> 
> \- Ronny

You were sitting on the couch, watching one of your comfort movies. Dan was out, attending his regular AA meetings. You wished he was here, though deep down you were glad he wasn't.

Why you were watching this comfort movie was because you thought it would help making you feel better, distract you, make you less difficult to be around, when Dan came back. 

It had worked for maybe half an hour, then you became restless; the intrusive thoughts came back full force. The flashbacks, too. It was all too much. You wanted to scream.

'Shutupshutupshutup!' You chanted in your head.

You wanted it all gone. 

You wanted to stop hurting. 

You wanted it to fucking stop!

The feelings were too much, you felt suffocated by them, unable to breathe properly. It made you panic. Your breathing quickened, you bounced your leg so fast that your entire body was shaking with it. You were rocking back and forth, trying to feel it all a little less and have it leave your body.

Whatever was happening on screen, you didn't catch any of it. You saw it, but you couldn't hear it. You didn't process it at all.

More flashbacks. 

More emotional pain. 

More intrusive thoughts of how to relieve yourself of this anguish.

Somewhere, besides all of this, you felt floaty. Unreal. Everything around you felt so unreal. Were you even real?

A whine tore its way from your throat.

You started scratching your forearm. 

You didn't even notice it until suddenly your skin had broken, was scratched open and burning. 

Immediately, you stopped. 

Though, you wanted to continue until it was all gone. 

You tried to resist. 

That wasn't what you really wanted. It was an intrusive thought, not you.

You didn't know how much time had passed. It must have been a while, though, as you vaguely noticed that the movie had almost reached its end.

Taking deep breaths, you tried to calm yourself.

Dan would be back soon. You didn't want him to see you like this. You didn't want to be a burden to him.

The pain, the guilt, the flashbacks, everything; it came back to you with an almost violent force and you squeezed your eyes shut, trying to will it all down. Push it away. Repress it.

It usually worked. Why wouldn't it work, now?

You punched your thigh. 

The pain made everything stop for a moment. 

You did it again. 

Again. 

Again. 

And again. 

Until you couldn't move for several minutes because of the pain that your brain was trying so hard to process. 

A few moments passed. 

It all came back, all over again. Even stronger, perhaps. 

You wanted to scream. 

You gripped your hair, pulling at it repeatedly until your scalp burned. 

You rubbed over your face. 

Rubbing turned into scratching. 

Suddenly, there were arms around you, a body pressing against you, a warmth enveloping you. 

Dan. 

You startled to a stop. 

"Sssh, it's okay. It's okay," you could faintly hear Dan shushing you. 

You lowered your hands from your face and wrapped your arms around him, burying your face in his shoulder. 

A cry forced its way out of you as you started weeping, soaking his jacket in your salty tears that burned your eyes, oh so painfully. 

He was rubbing your back soothingly, continuing to shush you quietly, rocking you back and forth gently. 

Distantly, you noticed that he was bent over to accommodate your sitting position and that it must be hell on his back. 

So, you tried to shift. 

Neither of you let go of the other, as you both came to sit on the couch, either torso twisted to keep the other wrapped up. 

Dan's head was resting against the side of your head, whispering to you and nuzzling your hair. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," you repeated, whimpering, over and over again in between sobs. "I didn't mean to. Didn't mean to!" 

"Sssh, darling, it's alright, it's okay," Dan replied soothingly. 

After a few long moments, your sobs turned into silent tears. You were trembling. Your breaths were erratic. 

Reluctantly, you let go of Dan. He also released you, leaning back a little, but keeping one hand on your back and continuing to rub soothing circles into it with just the right amount of pressure to be felt but not be too much. 

You could feel him looking at you, even though your head was lowered and you were looking at your lap. Biting the inside of your cheek and your bottom lip repeatedly, you tried to push down the tears that still threatened to spill. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dan asked gently after a couple of minutes. 

You shook your head, not looking up. 

You were wringing your hands, twisting your fingers, cracking your knuckles, trying to get rid of the guilt, the shame, the dread. 

"Okay. Can I do anything for you?" He asked after a few more moments.

You thought about it. But you came up empty-handed. 

"I don't know, sorry," you whispered brokenly. 

Dan nodded and wrapped the arm, of which his hand was on your back, around you, squeezing your arm lightly. 

You leaned into his side, resting your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes. 

After a couple of minutes, you lifted a trembling han and grasped onto his shirt, balling a fist, holding on tight. 

"I didn't mean for you to come home to me like this. I'm sorry," you rasped eventually.

"Y/N, it's okay. I promise. I wish I had been here earlier, though," he replied, kissing your hair. 

You nuzzled his neck, kissing the little patch of skin you could reach. 

"Thank you, Dan," you whispered. 

He squeezed you in answer. 

You were so exhausted then. Drained. It was already late anyway. Usually you wouldn't even have stayed up so late, but you had established a habit of waiting for Dan, whenever he went to his AA meetings.

You never knew when he would come home feeling raw and on the verge of a breakdown. 

You never wanted to wake up again, in the middle of the night, to him screaming and smashing a bottle of liquor he had managed to resist just so. 

He rested his chin on your head, when you cuddled into him a little bit more. 

"Let's go to sleep then, hm? Do you think you can do that?" Dan asked. 

You just nodded, peeling yourself from his side, immediately missing his warmth and soothing touch. 

The two of you got up and got yourselves ready for bed in a comfortable silence. 

You still felt raw and vulnerable, but at least you didn't feel like you were being suffocated anymore. 

Dan tended to the wounds on your forearms, when you were both done with everything else. Fortunately, those wounds were the only open ones. Your face was streaked with read lines, but nothing was bloodied or open. Your thighs might bruise, though. Your scalp still burned a little, too. 

Eventually, the two of you crawled under the covers of your bed, cuddling into each other. Your head laid on Dan's chest, rising and falling with his breaths; hearing his heart beat. It calmed you. 

'You're okay, y/n. I've got you. You can go to sleep. You're alright, I promise.' 

You could hear his voice in your head. He rarely did that. He didn't like using his shine on you; it felt like a violation to your privacy, he had told you. 

A small smile stretched your lips. 

You closed your eyes, sighing, and made yourself comfortable, nuzzling into his chest and kissing it through his soft cotton shirt. 

After a couple of minutes - and most likely with the help of his shine - you fell asleep eventually, finally at peace and leaving this horrendous night behind yourself for the time being.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
